Do You Keep Falling for the Wrong Person? These 11 tips might help.
When you meet someone new and hit it off, there's an initial spark—and with that spark can come excitement, intrigue, and hope for the future. You think to yourself that maybe this is the one and there could be something special here. Your date tells you they can’t wait to see you again and then poof—they’re gone. You wonder what went wrong and if you could have done something to change it.
While it is beneficial to acknowledge and be open to any behaviors that could be off-putting to others when dating, we often personalize such situations without realizing there are typically other factors at play.
If you often get ahead of yourself when dating and find that you’re on a different page than the person you’re seeing—whether they’re unavailable, or they aren’t ready to commit and you’re frustrated about continuously getting your hopes up, consider a different approach to dating that includes a balance between your emotions, your logic, and your intuition. Dating solely based on your feelings can get you into trouble and cause you to feel attached early on to the wrong partners that aren’t the right match for you. On the other hand, having your guard up so high that you can’t be vulnerable can also inhibit your ability to connect to a new partner in a meaningful way.
If you’re sick of falling for the wrong partners, consider the following tips when dating someone new:
1. Pay attention to actions more than words.
As we all know actions speak louder than words. When you’re excited about someone, you are more likely to make excuses for their actions, rather than paying attention to red flags that may be occurring.
Consider if the person’s actions align with their words. If they say they will contact you to set up the next date by a certain day, do you hear from them or are you often left hanging? Do they make an effort to see you or does it seem like you are often an afterthought?
2. Do not assume anything about your relationship until it is explicitly stated.
Yes, it’s important to pay attention to actions, but words are important, too, particularly when it comes to your relationship status. In today’s dating climate, it’s not uncommon for people to avoid being vulnerable and assume “it’s just understood,” that they’re exclusive with someone after months of dating, only to be shocked later when they discover the person they’re with has not been dating them exclusively.
Even if you’re spending tons of time together and feel that you have a deep connection, you can’t assume anything about the status of your relationship until it is explicitly discussed.
3. Focus on the present, not the potential.
It’s easy to get caught up in thoughts of the future when you’re clicking with someone, which can cloud your judgment. Notice when this happens and practice focusing on the present moment. When you’re present, you can fully enjoy the moment and you can get to know the person in front of you, rather than focusing on their potential.
4. Date other people.
The initial stages of dating—when the relationship isn’t exclusive yet—are a crucial time to date others. The reason for this is that feeling those sparks early on can trick you into falling for someone’s potential instead of who they truly are. Dating can help give you perspective. If one person never follows through with their word and the other is clear about their intentions from the start, that’s very telling. If the relationship ends, it may be disappointing but you will have saved yourself a lot of time and energy by staying open to other opportunities.
5. Create a list of your non-negotiables and top relationship needs.
What are your top three to five "non-negotiables" and five "core relationship needs"? Create a list of these items and refer back to it when dating someone new. If you’re having trouble with this list, consider the things that didn’t work in your previous relationships and the things that did.
6. Observe how you feel when you’re with this person.
Do you feel emotionally safe and enjoy the time you spend with this person? Or do you feel uncertain, on edge, or insecure about them? Dating brings up all kinds of feelings; however, if you’re dating a person that is a good match for you, it will often bring up positive feelings. If they like you, you’ll know—and if they don’t, you’ll likely feel confused and uncertain.
7. Evaluate how you’re feeling when you’re not with this person.
It’s important to pay attention to how you feel when you’re with this person but it’s also just as important to observe how you feel when you’re not with them.
When you’re not spending time with this person, do you feel excited about seeing them again and secure about their level of communication with you or do you feel uncertain and on edge, not knowing when they will contact you next?
8. Set appropriate boundaries.
We all have boundaries. Some of us are better about setting them than others. We may fear that the person will get hurt or we will lose them. Know what you are comfortable with and stick with that. Boundaries help you advocate for yourself and get to know someone at a pace you’re comfortable with while dating, without compromising your values and needs.
For example- perhaps physical intimacy is something you prefer to take your time with. If that is the case, explain to the person “I really enjoy our time together and I’m attracted to you but don’t feel comfortable spending the night yet.”
9. Pay attention to how these boundaries are received.
The way someone else reacts to your boundaries is very telling. When you express a preference for something, do they listen to your feedback or ignore it? Research has shown that having differences in your relationship is inevitable—it’s how you communicate through them that impacts the health of a relationship. A preview of what’s to come can be obtained by giving feedback or expressing a preference and seeing how the other person responds. The way in which the other person responds can provide you with valuable information about whether they are able to meet your needs and respond to your feedback. Do they get defensive and shut down or do they listen and have a respectful conversation with you about it?
10. Nurture your relationship with yourself.
The quickest way to attach to someone early on without security is to lose yourself during the process. Continue to focus on the things you enjoy, the relationships that help you thrive, and the hobbies that bring you passion. When you keep promises and commitments to yourself, you are more likely to see when someone is not doing the same with you.
11. Observe how they respond to you when stressed.
.The way in which a potential partner handles stress is typically revealed over time once the honeymoon phase is over. A person’s attachment style typically becomes more apparent under stress. For example, a partner with an avoidant attachment style may stop responding to phone calls while a partner with an anxious attachment style may call non-stop.
We all experience different levels of stress, and how we react to stress can impact our relationships in various ways. Some people withdraw or shut down when stressed, while others may become irritable or aggressive. Learning how a potential partner responds to stress can assist you in determining your compatibility.
If you're craving a fulfilling relationship but find yourself frequently disappointed by your dating experiences, click here to download your free list of the 12 mistakes that are sabotaging your love life.
Previously published on Psychology Today
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to substitute professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or another qualified health provider with questions regarding your condition or well-being.