When Your Partner Needs Space and You Crave Closeness

Being in a relationship is a delicate balancing act of feeling close to another person but not losing yourself in the process. Often the idea of space in a relationship has a negative connotation and can be associated with breaking up when in reality having a healthy amount of space can actually be a significant component of whether your relationship thrives. ⠀

Depending on the stage of the relationship and each partner’s attachment style, one partner may crave space more while the other craves more closeness. How the need for space is communicated and responded to matters more than the act of taking space itself. For example, when Sheila comes home from work she likes to take 20 minutes to change out of her clothing and decompress a bit. Sheila’s husband, Mark often feels rejected when this happens because he hasn’t seen Sheila all day and wants to connect with her.  

Neither Sheila or Mark’s need for space or connection in this situation is unreasonable, the problem is that they have competing needs which aren’t being communicated to one another. If Mark knew that no matter who Sheila has lived with in the past, she has needed 20 minutes to decompress after work, he may be able to interpret the situation from a different perspective instead of believing Sheila does not want to be close with him. If Sheila knew that when someone Mark cares about pulls away, it brings up fears of abandonment and painful memories of someone he cares about being distant with him, she may also respond differently in that moment rather than in exasperation. 

When partners have competing needs for closeness and space, a cycle known as the pursuer-distancer cycle is typically being enacted during which one partner acts as the pursuer (often the person striving for closeness and wanting to relieve their anxiety about the relationship) and the other acts as the distancer (often the person who needs space and time to process things on their own, otherwise they feel pressured). In the aforementioned example, Mark is the pursuer and Sheila is the distancer. When Mark pushes Sheila to talk, Sheila feels overwhelmed and starts to shut down then pull away. Sheila’s response then exacerbates Mark’s anxiety about not feeling close to Sheila so he wants to “talk it out now” and Sheila proceeds to shut down more. Since each partner’s response in this cycle tends to exacerbate the other partner’s desire to pursue or distance, the pattern can become more entrenched over time.

If you’re frequently craving closeness but your partner needs space, consider the following tips to break the cycle:

Ground yourself

When you’re feeling upset, you’re more likely to jump to conclusions about your partner’s intentions and assume the worst. Connecting with the present moment and engaging in an activity that feels soothing or grounding, can help you put the situation into perspective and communicate effectively with your partner. There are different exercises you can use to help you connect with the present moment and taking time to find out which one resonates most with you can go a long way. Some examples of activities that can feel grounding are: deep breathing, taking a hot shower, imagining a relaxing scene, journaling, or engaging your senses through touching a soft object or smelling your favorite scent.

Check the facts

Has your partner given you any indication that they are mad at you or don’t wish to speak with you? Is there another possible reason for their behavior? If you shared your assumption with a friend, what would they say? Asking yourself these sorts of questions and taking time to reflect about them can help provide alternative perspectives.

Clarify what you need from your partner and ask for it without blaming them

Keep in mind that if this is an ongoing argument between you and your partner, they are more likely to be defensive and potentially shut down if you express your frustration in an accusatory or angry manner. Expressing how you feel without blame can help your partner be more receptive to you. For example, a statement such as “I miss having quality time with you and feel sad when you come home and we don’t talk” can help your partner see that you aren’t trying to blame them and simply want to connect with them.

Consider how your partner can best support you if they are unable to meet your need. For example, in reference to Sheila and Mark, Sheila might communicate to Mark that she looks forward to seeing him when she gets home but that she needs time to decompress from the day so she can be present with him. Mark might ask Sheila to hug him or tell him it’s great to see him before taking the 20 minutes to relax by herself so he feels close to her.

When the cycle is enacted, disengage if needed to avoid escalation

If you notice your reaction escalating and your partner is pulling away, disengage from the conversation and take some time to cool off so you can return to the conversation when you are both feeling more calm and able to communicate more effectively with one another.  

Knowing your core relationship needs can help increase your relationship satisfaction. I’ve created an exercise that can guide you in identifying your top relationship needs. Grab a copy of your free guide here.

Previously published on Psychology Today

Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to substitute professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or another qualified health provider with questions regarding your condition or well-being.