8 Friendship Red Flags to Watch Out For
While romantic relationships can be unpredictable at times, supportive friendships can often provide a sense of stability and consistency in one’s life.
Similar to romantic relationships that crash and burn, there is often a honeymoon period that occurs in friendships before concerning patterns or themes are recognized. There may be initial warning signs that a friendship will be problematic that are overlooked due to excitement about connecting with a new friend whom you click with and enjoy spending time with.
As research has shown, a strong and supportive friendship can have significant impacts on your health, mood, and overall well-being. On the other hand, a toxic friendship or one that has run its course can have detrimental impacts on your health and well-being.
While you can’t choose your family, you have the ability to choose the friendships you invest time and energy into.
We often view red flags in the context of dating and romantic relationships, but what about our friendships? Given that they often have such an impact on different areas of one’s life, they deserve a closer look.
The following is a list of friendship red flags to keep an eye out for:
1. They talk badly about others in front of you.
If your friend frequently talks badly or is judgmental about their friends or people in their life, what is stopping them from doing the same with you?
At first, it may help you feel closer to your friend if you feel that they are confiding in you about their grievances. However, over time if you begin to notice that your friend is often dissatisfied with most people in their life, you may start to feel uneasy about when the tables will turn and you will become the friend they are talking poorly about when you’re not present.
2. You can’t be yourself around them.
A supportive and healthy friendship is one in which you feel free to be yourself; this is how authentic connections are developed. If you find yourself closing up around your friend, constantly having your guard up, and/or feeling like you can’t just be yourself, it would be helpful to further explore where these misgivings are coming from.
3. You walk on eggshells around them.
In a healthy friendship, you should feel free to express how you feel and share your thoughts on different matters. If you often fear that doing so will lead to a negative reaction or that you can’t share how you feel or what you think, this is a sign that you don’t feel emotionally safe with this friend and the friendship may not be the right fit for you.
4. You feel drained after interactions with them.
Compare and contrast how you feel when you spend time with your different friends. Do you feel energized, neutral, or drained? Sometimes your body knows before you do when a friendship isn’t healthy for you. If you notice that every time you are with a particular friend you’re feeling drained afterward, this is an important sign to pay attention to.
5. They tell you things others shared with them in confidence.
Initially, you may feel honored that your friend chose to share these secrets with you. However, over time doing so can build distrust between you as you may find yourself editing what you say and being careful regarding what you share with your friend because of increasing uncertainty regarding who they will share your private information with.
6. The friendship feels one-sided/non-reciprocal.
Are you always the friend who is reaching out, checking in, and initiating plans? Do you often feel that your efforts to maintain the friendship aren’t reciprocated? Do you feel that there is no balance of give and take in your friendship? Does your friend ask about you or is the focus of conversations primarily on them and their life? If so, you may want to explore further whether this friendship would benefit from a conversation about the pattern you’re observing.
7. They belittle you in subtle ways.
Perhaps it’s through a backhanded compliment or a question that makes you wonder what their intentions are. Misunderstandings occur between friends, but if you are often left wondering whether your friend purposely said something to hurt you or frequently feel confused by the intention behind their statements, this is typically a sign that the trust in your friendship may be lacking.
Below are some examples of backhanded compliments a friend might give:
Congrats on your new job, I didn’t think you would get it!
You’re so much fun when you actually try to relax.
I hope you enjoyed your trip, it must be nice to take that much time off from your responsibilities.
Next time your friend makes a comment that causes you to second guess their intentions, consider asking them “What did you mean by that?” Their answer to this question can be quite telling and shed some light on the intention behind their comment.
8. They violate your boundaries.
Observe what happens when you set a boundary or express a preference within this friendship. Is your friend receptive and respectful of your boundaries or do they attempt to cross them? Here are some examples of boundary-pushing that can occur in friendships:
You feel pressure to participate in activities that you have clearly stated you no longer want to engage in and are judged for it when you decline.
Your friend continues to bring up specific topics you expressed you didn’t feel comfortable discussing at this time.
Your friend expects you to invite them to join anytime you are spending time with other friends.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. This is not intended to be a substitute for professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or well-being.
Previously published on Psychology Today